I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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