i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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