I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
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