So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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