Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
