Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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