Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
