I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
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