seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
