upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
