i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
