I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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