I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
