I saw his package. It spoke to me.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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