The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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