Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize