Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
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