Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
