Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I am spending my child support on dildos
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
