I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
