my phone needs a breathalizer
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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