did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
