nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
