the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
