so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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