I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
It was confusing and full of hummus
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
