Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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