she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
