just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
