U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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