dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize