I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
