I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
