God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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