He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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