he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
