i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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