I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
