So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
