i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
