I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
