Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
