my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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