Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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