I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
