Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
