He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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