Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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