I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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