Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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