i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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