sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
