from now on my penis is your penis
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
