So drunk its hurt
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
