I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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