Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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