I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
