I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
