My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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