Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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